A Letter To Mother and Fathers-In-Law
80My Sister and Her Husband
I must address a subject that I fear is long over due. One that is touchy! The subject of Mothers and Fathers-in-Law.
I have been married twice, the first time for three years, this time for twenty-three years and I believe I have enough experience to write about the subject.
I have spent my entire married life trying to please my Parents-in-Law. I am sorry to say that no matter how hard I try, It seems that I always fail, my children always dissatisfy, and my husband always disappoints them. We are constantly slapped in the face with their disapproval shown both in their words and deeds.
I have come to discover their standards are simply too high to meet! At least the ones they have set for us.
My purpose in writing this article is to tell Parents-in-Law what kind of damage they do to their children when they mistreat their child's spouse and children. And what kind of damage it does to their relationship with their child and their grandchildren. I do this in the hope that I can prevent this damage from being done to someone else. It is too late for our family.
Dearest Parents-in Law,
You want only the best for your children. You want them to grow into adults who are capable of making choices for themselves. This means you need to let them make those choices.This includes whom they fall in love with and decide to marry. Life is a learning experience. If they fail at something, then they will learn a lesson from that experience! You can not shelter them and expect them to grow at the same time.
Sometimes the choices they make are not the same ones you would choose for them. They are not supposed to be your choices and you need to wish them happiness and be emotionally supportive of them. That means you do not interfere. You do not instigate, you do not demean the spouse, you do not pass right by that child's house and go onto another child's–play favorite's. You give your love and you let the chips fall where they may.
If your child and their spouse love each other and are happy with their relationship and their life together, do not try and find things wrong that just are not there! Be happy for them! It is okay to be wrong! So you never thought you would like the spouse, you never thought they would change into a person you could like! That does not matter, your child is happy and you may be blinded by something you should have let go of a long time ago!
Do not treat the children of your child's that you don't like the spouse of differently than that of your other children's kid's. Big hint–The kids who are treated differently know! And they do not understand why! It is hard to have to explain to your child, "Honey, I'm sorry but grandma and grandpa have never liked me, they didn't want your dad to marry me so they treat you differently," when your children want to know why grandma and grandpa treats them so differently! Grandparents, it is wrong to put your grandchildren in the middle.
I have thick skin, which is good, because my leather face has been slapped for all of my married life. But my husband is hurt. So I must presume that many children are hurt because of the way their spouse is treated. You place your children in a horrible position, between their spouse and you. This is wrong on so many different levels. If you love your children, as I am sure you do. Please do not do this. I don't know how many times my husband has had that knife in the heart look when he has apologized for his parents behavior towards me and our children. If they could only see that look! He won't show it to them though. He won't even let them know he is upset. I take the hits like a good and loving wife would and keep on going time after time. Because I do love him, respect him and would NEVER disrespect his parents. It is hard to do sometimes, especially when I see my children cry, and my husband in pain. All I can do is cry myself!
If we spouses are so bad, then why are so many of us silent sufferers? Why do we take the hits that keep on coming? It is because we love those children of yours.
Please let us!
Feb 4, 2010.
I am pleased to report that there has been a change in the atmosphere surrounding my husband's parents and my family lately. It appears that the relationship is finally getting better after all of these years. I can not tell you how it happened (GOD?) but I am very Thankful. We just spent some wonderful time with them over the period of their 50th Wedding Anniversary in December and they were very emotionally supportive of my family and I went my father recently passed away. They even spent several days with us and were a huge blessing. While my father was in the hospital and I stayed with him, at one point they came and stayed 5 days with my husband and helped to care for my mother until we made other arrangements for her. I praise God for these changes and I pray that the past can stay in the past and we can continue to move forward. My youngest son even commented on how much he enjoyed talking to his grandfather during their visit. That is unheard of :)
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How is your relationship with your Mother and Father In-Law?
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So sorry you have to go through such pain and aggravation. As long as you and your husband are on the same page you will emerge victorious. It's all a matter of control, in my opinion. Clearly, your in-laws wan to run your life. Hang in there.
Pamela99, Thank you for representing the loving and supportive in-laws. I know it must be hard to see your children grow up and make their own choices and to love your daughter in laws unconditionally. I for one appreciate those who understand the necessity of it. Family harmony is so important. I would never distance my husband from his parents, but there are many times I have distanced myself and my children when they requested it! Now My children, our children are adults who distance themselves.
It is a very difficult siutation, I am so sorry you are having to experience it. A friend's mother used to say of her children's spouses "If they can live with them, I can live around them." You keep being the wonderful mother and spouse that you are, something will turn the tide - at least that's what I've experienced.
breakfastpop, Thank you for your comments and support. It may or may not be about control. But what In laws must understand is that they no longer need to control anyone but their own lives once their children grow up. I adore my husband and am not planning on letting any one ruin what we have. We stick together!
The Rope, thank you for commenting on my hub and the situation. It is difficult. I would love to be accepted personally, and not just lived around! Daughters and Sons in laws have a lot to offer to a family. Most of us are loving, giving, and simply haven't been given a chance to be assimilated into the greater family! I have been waiting for 23 years for that tide to turn, and every time I let my guard down and open my heart up, I get hurt again. It is so much easier to sometimes to just stay away and closed off, but that hurts my husband since he wants us all to be one happy family ( as I pretend to be around them) and together for holidays. I feel caught between protecting my own heart and giving him what he wants so much. I applaud Mother and Father-in Laws who do not do this to their children and their spouses.
I am going through a similar situation.No children though wnich makes it better or worse - I don't really know. I am really sorry you have to go through all that pain. Thick skin is good but sometimes just not enough.
Allison W, You hang in there. Don't let them interfere with your relationship. You and your husband need to hold onto each other and do not let them take your marriage down! Keep that thick skin! I will say a prayer for you!
wow super dear ...i like u r ,love me
Hi, I have read your post and the positive posting update. That is such good news. I feel your pain and anguish. I am glad to see that the parents in law have rallied to become such a great help to you all in a time of great trouble.
I am a single parent with an angry son. I am shut out because of his anger at being fatherless. I still love him. I have a daughter who is in the hands of a cruel man. This man made a threat of violence towards me in the course of a phone call. It was unprovoked, and out of context of the conversation. My daughter disbelieved me and defended him. He has managed to get her out of the family home, in debt, missing from the electoral roll, unable to hold down a job, and virtually dependent upon him. He has all but shut me out - my daughter will chat with me - but disappears for periods of time. I have an older daughter, who has just given birth to a beautiful little one, and her partner is simply wonderful to her and our little cutie. I have to say that I am glad her partner is so attentive to and caring of her and their little one. He has had one failed marriage, the in laws and the relationship I cant say much. I think this young man does a mighty job as a new father. I do things to help. I yearn for quality time with my daughter, whom I haven't seen for a long time because she lives over the ocean. She is so tired with breast feeding, night waking, and the need to keep things right in their relationship. So I find I sacrifice quality time with her - for the sake of peace. My heart yearns for time with her and I take what I can and treasure it.
I hope this gives you a look into the heart of a mother. I am a good woman, and loved by many. Life deals some bad blows - not just to sons and daughters in law, but to each one of us. We all know what it is to be rejected and mistreated. My daughters have both taught me to push past the pain, and to love. You talk about praising God, and saying a prayer and these are fine things to do. In Paul's letter to the Corinthians he tells them that the greatest gift is love and that we should owe no man anything save to love him. God is Love. Perfect love casts out all fear. Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world. In short, fear is at the root of a lot of discord between children and in laws. Sure, as you can see, there are people out there who will do things to harm the relationship within families. Perfect love casts out all fear. We can do our bit, by loving, as best we can and keep the peace as far as it depends upon us. I am glad your relationship with your in laws has improved out of sight. May it just blossom. Best wishes to you all.
I need to qualify this statement: "My daughters have both taught me to push past the pain, and to love." They taught me this as little children. I think children have enormous hearts. They are a source of inspiration.
I need to qualify this statement: "My daughters have both taught me to push past the pain, and to love." They taught me this as little children in the course of play with other children. I think children have enormous hearts. They are a source of inspiration.
thank you so much. I appreciate your comments.
thank you so much for your heart felt comments. I do pray that your daughter has realized cutting her time with you is a negative and hurtful thing to do. I hope her husband/mate has had a softening of his heart as well. I do believe it goes both ways. A daughter or son (including in laws) should respect/love their parents as well. We are all only here for a short time and we should make the best of each moment.
I agree with you and pray that your pain has subsided!
My Father-in-law is 99 years old AND still mentally abuses my husband ( of 39 years ) .Can I add my F.I.L was a high ranking clergyman .
I have come to the end for the old boy , we are in our mid sixties , when does our life begin ??
JUne Long, The day you quit letting him! You can be respectful without taking the abuse he dishes out. Live YOUR lives before it is too late to enjoy your Golden Years! It is sad that even past clergy are guilty of this type of behavior! Bless you.
Pamela99 Level 7 Commenter 2 years ago
I am sorry you and your family are living in such pain. I try hard to be a good mother-in-law and love my 3 daughter-in-laws. These parents don't know what they are missing as the grand children are so precious. Maybe its time for your husband to have a very frank discussion with his parents. You could limit the relationship if their behavior doesn't change. Their behavior sounds so petty. Good luck.